Hi all!
I’ve moved my blog again š I know, geez! If you’re using bumblebeerunning.com to view my blog, then good! That URL isn’t changing. If you were using bumblebeerunning.wordpress.com, that’s going away, so just use bumblebeerunning.com
See you there! š
I was reading one of my favorite blogs and saw that she created āChange the way you see, not the way you lookā week. I think this is a wonderful phrase to keep in your head even after these seven days are up. As someone always striving to be fit and healthy, I know how difficult it can be to not be hard on yourself. To remember that maintaining a healthy perspective is one of the best things for you. Weāre all on different journeys, all at different points along our path. Instead of always looking at how far weāve come, at what weāve accomplished so far, weāre too often apt to look at what we havenāt done yet. Where weāve slipped. What we could have done better. But we need to transform our thinking to see the positive first.
Change the way you see, not the way you look.
Itās not always easy, because sometimes the negativity just slips in before I realize it. But when Iāve started to say to myself: āYouāve gained back 8 pounds! What is wrong with you? How could you do that?ā I try to remember to correct myself by realizing: āYouāve lost 22 pounds and kept that off for almost a year. Youāre healthier than you have ever been before. Youāre a work in progress, and itās a great journey.ā
When I first finished the triathlon last week it was: āI added SEVEN minutes to my time from last year? Seven minutes? How could I do that? How could I disappoint myself like that?ā It soon realized my negativity and transformed it to: āWell, with my more well-balanced focus on the tri, with starting to overcome my knee injury, Iām still pretty close to last yearās time. I finished, I felt great, I was surrounded by the love of my family and friends…and I canāt wait to do it again next year.ā
I canāt say enough how much I believe positive thinking has a huge impact on everything in our lives. Start the day with a positive outlook. It sets the tone for everything. Sometimes itās easier than others, but negative self-talk does absolutely no good. In fact, it does you a lot of quiet, subtle harm. Itās another instance of us knocking ourselves down before we even get started.
Change your thinking and you actually change a lot more than that. You begin to see the opportunities, not the obstacles. You see how far youāve come, not how far you have left to go. You learn from your slip-ups and move on. You can come to realize the powerful truth in the fact that every day is a new day. And every day, you can be sure you have control over one thing: the way you think.
How did I get this far? By believing in myself more than anyone else believed in me. By truly seeing the positive changes I was making in my life, and being proud of myself for that. By celebrating me. By realizing that I had all the power to make my life how I wanted it to be. By viewing exercise and healthy eating as not just a means to weight loss, but as ways to treat my body the best I can; appreciating the strength and nourishment it brings. By having fun with it! By realizing that my biggest accomplishments werenāt measured in number of pounds lost or the size of my new clothes. By viewing myself as a work in progress, and seeing my journey as a life-long commitment to being the healthiest, happiest and best version of myself.Ā 
Yes, I have changed the way I look. But the most important part of my transformation has been in changing the way I see.
Were you starting to get worried? No, I didnāt drown in Lake Chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg on tri day (if youāre not up to date, yes, that really is the name of the lake). In fact, I dare say I showed that lake whoās boss! I stuck to my plan of starting in the back, so as not to encounter the same terrifying situation as last year. If I had to do it again, Iād start more in the middle (I got stuck behind some slower people who I just couldnāt get past, which slowed me down) but overallāsuccess! I didnāt have any scary moments, I felt good during the entire swim and I even remembered to use some of the great swim strategies Audrey showed me. Hooray!
I'm out there somewhere!
The bike…..well, the bike kicked my ass. I donāt know what happened, but from the moment I got on the bike my legs felt like lead. I donāt know if I didnāt train enough (I definitely could have trained more, Iām not just being hard on myself there), or if it was just one of those days but the whole biking leg of the tri felt like a battle. There is also a KILLER hill (one mile up) about 4 miles in, which at least 75% of the people get off their bikes for. Iām not ashamed to say I was one of those people, but Iām determined to beat that hill next year. Itās good to have a goal š 
The run was goodā itās my comfort zone. I may not be the fastest runner, I may not have the best form, I may not set records, but Iām so familiar with it, itās like seeing a good friend at the end of a long journey. My knee held outā no pain until mile 3, which is whatās normal for me now, so I was happy. I felt good, but I was really cautious not to overdo itā I didnāt want to cause any further injury to my knee since I need to be focused on getting back to normal! 
And then my favorite part…crossing the finish line! Yeah, it’s about the journey, not the destination, but the finish line is always a great feeling. Iāve never doubted my ability to make it there, but crossing the line is still a validation of my effort, determination, struggle and yes, I still feel in that moment a victory and affirmation of the changes Iāve made in my life.
But I can’t lie, there was a solid 24 hours after the race when what was at the top of my mind was the fact that my time for this years tri was seven minutes longer than my time from last year. I was disappointed. Sure, my knee slowed down and shortened the time I had to train. But I didn’t want to make excuses, I didn’t want that to be a barrier to being better. Because if there’s one thing I always want to be, it’s better than myself.
I couldn’t seem to shake my disappointment. Until Monday afternoon, when James and I sat down to watch the video he had taped of the triathlon. On the tape, shortly after I started swimming, you can hear my mom say “…two years ago, she never would have done this…”
And it was precisely the jolt I needed to hear, as I watched myself start to swim. Because she’s right. Two years ago I would have NEVER EVER EVER imagined myself completing a triathlon (let alone two!). If you had suggested such a thing, I probably would have laughed, told you at least 5 reasons why it was a ridiculous idea, and laughed some more. Why had I allowed myself to lose sight of that in the face of seven extra minutes? And as I continued to watch the video, I found the feeling my disappointment hadn’t let me feel. I felt really proud of me. And that’s how I should have felt all along. 
Last Sunday, I was once again surrounded by more than 2,000 women of all ages, backgrounds, shapes and sizes. And I have to tell you that in looking back on those moments I realize I think we all too often sell ourselves short. We donāt believe in ourselves enough. We think we canāt or shouldnāt do something because we arenāt the smartest, best, fastest, prettiest, thinnest. Because we don’t have enough time, energy, resources. Because it won’t be easy. Whatever the excuse may be. We donāt even let ourselves start.
But once we do, weāre amazed by what we can accomplish. If you looked around on Sunday, you would have seen a vastly different group of women. But looking closer, I think you see a group of women who are remarkably the same. A beautiful group of women who had surely been toiling over the same goal for weeks, months, maybe all year. Maybe years. A group of women who had the strength to start, and to keep on going.
If all those women listened to the voices of doubt in their heads, Iād have been standing on an empty beach on Sunday. If I listened to mine, I wouldnāt have been there to see it. But I was there, and so were theyā a beach of 2,000 amazing, beautiful, fabulous women who will all tell you: If I can do it, so can you.
I read my fair share of blogs, and I feel like everyone everywhere mentions making Green Monsters. Since Iām always looking for new healthy food ideas, I really wanted to try making one for myself! I bought organic spinach at the Farmers Market for this exact purpose and it had been sitting in my fridge waiting to be used since Sunday. Even though I was already running a few minutes late for work this morning, today was the day. I like to avoid coffee a few days before the tri so I can be sure I stay extra hydrated, so I figured the GM would be a nice replacement for my morning DunkinDonuts addiction. Into my (newly purchased!) blender went the spinach, flax seeds, a banana, some blueberries, vanilla soy milk and ice. I have to admit that, while being curious, I was a little skeptical of this concoction. Although I love all of the ingredients separately, I couldnāt quite imagine what they would taste like together. And when I started blending it and it all became this weird grayish greenish blue color….ehhh, I was starting to doubt the outcome.
This isn't my picture (I was in too much of a rush!) but I found this one online...it's pretty much the exact color of my smoothie!
I had to, HAD TO, stop the blender and stick a finger in to taste it. And it. Was. AMAZING! I take back those few seconds I doubted you, Green Monster! You were totally worth being a few more minutes late for work.
Darn me and my ingredients label reading. I couldnāt bring myself to eat my Lean Cuisine lunch today because I donāt know what maltodextrine or xanthan gum are. I didnāt even Google it, I just headed right out to the local market and got a veggie wrap. Which got me wondering what the ingredients in the spinach wrap itself are! Just like trying to eat low-calorie and low-fat, trying to eat naturally requires thinking ahead and planning. Lack of planning often leads to bad choices (especially for a hypoglycemic like me–bad choices that quickly make you feel better) that arenāt the healthiest. Personally, I tend to go straight for the Coca-Cola, or maybe a chocolate bar, or maybe BOTH to fend off the shaky, lightheaded, bee-otchy feeling that overcomes me when my blood sugar is too low. But at the same time, because Iāve tried to take control of my hypoglycemia, Iām used to planning ahead to avoid that feeling.
And this week the planning ahead has gone quite well! I made quinoa for the first time, which was very tasty. Iāve had the box in my cabinet for over a month because I wasnāt sure what to do with it. So I looked up a recipe and voilaāquinoa!!! I had it with leftover baked tofu (I found the recipe on Healthy Tipping Pointā it was delish!).
I went for a run last night, which went well. NO knee pain! Hooray! It was HOT, but I didnāt want to wimp out on my run because, heyāit could be HOT HOT HOT on Sunday!
Also I am planning on wearing a hat on tri day and Iāve never run with one beforeā I wanted to get a feel for it. I recently cut my hair shorter and it won’t all go up into a ponytail, so I figured a hat was the best solution for keeping it out of my face. It might seem silly to want to “practice” running in a hat, but something like that could really throw me off if it was annoying or didn’t help! Or if it was ugly š But it was all good! I love that it says “One More Mile”…for some reason those three short words give me the extra motivation to keep on going!
Saturday was a wash as far as exercise goes. Jamesā band had a show, and then there was a late-night ER visit for a friend who had a concussion…so we didnāt get home until 7:30 am. That certainly justifies sleeping til noon. I was still very tired once I woke up, and the swim and bike ride we had planned was something I didnāt feel physically OR mentally capable of. So that just meant that Sunday suddenly became a super-active, super-busy (but great!) day. No time to slack off! James & I started off with an hour bike ride, sprinkled with a quick run and topped with a gorgeous view. There is a KILLER hill to get up here, so the fact that our bike ride was shorter than usual didn’t make me feel so bad. I was still feeling really tired, and the fact that it was hot and I was incredibly thirsty didn’t help the overall weak feeling I had, but James really pushed me (in a good way!) to give it my all.
Then it was off to the farmerās market for fresh veggies and live music by a friendās band…oh yeah, there was also fresh black raspberry ice cream and organic pizza topped with nasturtium (flowers! On pizza! How fabulous!). We shared, so I didnāt feel bad about indulging.
Next up was swimming. We went to a local lake, and since we werenāt town residents it was $17 to get in. 17 dollars! It was worth it, though, because I really need the swim practice. James watched out for my form while I swam some laps. And of course we goofed off for a bit, too, because all work and no play isnāt much fun! Honestly, though, I hate swimming in lakes. It creeps me out a bit. And no one was swimming all the way out to the buoys like I was, so I started envisioning monstruous lake creatures waiting out there to eat me. The good thing about swimming with goggles on is that you can seeā and the bad thing about swimming with goggles on is that you can see! Seeing long green slimy grass or even a bunch of rocks makes me think of the creatures that would love to call it home….eww! I think I have too much of an imagination sometimes š In reality, I know that no lake creature is going to eat me…maybe!
Iāve been on a big organic/natural foods kick lately, and honestly, once I started looking more closely at the ingredients in things, it really started creeping me out. Iāve been looking at calories/fat/fiber for Weight Watchers, and sugar for my hypoglycemia, but Iāve never concentrated this much on everything else. Right now Iām kinda feeling like Iād like to be able to identify the ingredients in my food in a lineup, know what I mean?
For instance, sometimes itās really hard for me to drink enough water, and I like to put low-calorie flavor packets in them for a little fruity taste. Strawberry banana is my favorite-yum! But hold up…..what is dimethylpolysiloxane? I can barely pronounce it and have no idea what it is, but it’s in my drink mix. A quick Google investigation later, and I’m disappointed to know that I have 4 boxes of this stuff that I bought on sale I will never, ever be able to drink again. Because, according to Wikipedia, dimethylpolysiloxane…
“…is the most widely used silicone-based organic polymer, and is particularly known for its unusual rheological (or flow) properties. Its applications range from contact lenses and medical devices to elastomers; it is present, also, in shampoos (as dimethicone makes hair shiny and slippery), caulking, lubricating oils, and heat-resistant tiles…..As a food additive, it has the Enumber E900 and is used as an anti-foaming agent and an anti-caking agent. This silicone can be found in many processed foods and fast food items such as McDonald’s Chicken McNuggets.”
Oh yeah, and it’s also a main ingredient in Silly Putty. So we’ve got Silly Putty, caulking, lubricating oils, heat resistant tiles, McNuggets and my drink mixes….that just can’t be good. In fact, it seems pretty disgusting.
It’s usually always easier, quicker and cheaper to buy processed foods…but look what you’re getting. I just think there has to be a better way to eat! And I’m trying to find my path to that better way.
To replace my old drink mixes, I found Flavrz drink mixes, which, while not as low calorie, are organic, low sugar, made with real fruit and have absolutely NO artificial ingredients. Brilliant! I’ll take a few extra calories if it means I don’t need to be a chemist to understand an ingredients listing.
I know I said this already, but the triathlon has really snuck up on me this year. I canāt believe its only NINE days away! Maybe itās a matter of knowing what Iām in for this year, but I like this relaxed feeling. I hope it carries all the way through the big day. Donāt get me wrong, when I started reading through the athlete info guide they released this week, I kinda wanted to vomit for a few seconds. But it went away quickly š
I remember last year, I was SO SO nervous the two days leading up to the triathlon. I was a ball of nervous anticipation and excitement. It was like creaking up an old rollercoaster for days. But on the morning of the tri, which should have been the top of the rollercoaster, the height of nervous anticipation and excitement and energy, I was incredibly calm. I can honestly say I was not at all nervous on that day. I was sooooooo ready. So focused and care free. It was great. I hope I can have that same feeling again. Itās my natural tendency to worry, something Iād been working on a lot, so the fact that I was so calm and clear-headed is one of the things Iām most happy about when I think about that day.
Then thereās swimming. I survived last yearās swim, but it wasnāt pretty. Iāll never forget the feeling of choking on the lake water, of being only a few seconds in to the start of the tri and feeling panic sweep over me. It was awful. And I think itās an experience that has only been amplified by my memory of it. Last year, I was most nervous about the swim. This year, Iām most nervous about the swim AND I have a reason to be. Eeek! But the amazing Audrey took Lola & I for a swim practice the other day, which was wonderful, went great and made me feel much better. Weāre going to go again next week, and James is going to go with me this weekend, so hopefully itāll all be enough to boost my confidence and push away my bad memories.
And since somehow, the triathlon is next weekend (oh my gosh I know I canāt stop saying this, but I still canāt believe it!) Iāve already made my packing list for the weekend of the tri, in an effort to calm any nerves that may arise next week. I just feel better when Iām organized. Although Iām sure James & I will be going through the same routine as last year–we sat in my apartment and talked out every step of the next 30 or so hours of my life and all the things necessary to be properly equipped for those hours, in order to make sure I had packed everything I would need. And I still managed to forget my balloon (although thankfully James was at the race site at 4:45am the next day, balloon in hand).
I have an interesting new outfit for the triathlon. I had ordered a new tri top–OBVIOUSLY cannot wear the same thing two years in row š — but the company didnāt send me what I ordered. Instead, they sent me what I like to call my triathlon catsuit.
When I pulled it out of the box, I laughed. I initially tried it on only for laughs; itās a one-piece triathlon suit, so the shorts are attached to the top. I was figuring this would be a body-image nightmare. But when I tried it on….it wasnāt that bad. It wasnāt much different from my tri shorts and top, and it was comfortable. So…I decided to stick with it! Comfort is key, and I like that since the top and shorts are attached, I wonāt have to worry about my top riding up or moving around. And anyway, letās face it, a triathlon is not the time to worry about being super cute. Itās the time to worry about…nothing š
Somehow, the triathlon has crept up on me. Last year it was looming large, shadowing everything I did. This year, it’s quieter, a pinpoint on the map of a jam-packed summer.
I’ve felt bad about my lower level of intensity, constantly telling myself I need to pick it up, work harder, do more, be better. Get back to where I was. Lose 5 pounds. No, 10 pounds.
But something in my mindset has shifted yet again.
Yeah, you know what, I’d like to weigh a little less. But right now, it’s ok. I honestly do feel like I could stand to lose a few pounds. But overall, I FEEL good. Being active, eating right, it’s an ongoing effort that I’ve made a part of my life. And that’s better than working to achieve a short-term goal. The transformation I went through last year, it’s complete, and yet it’s not complete. It’s every day. And that’s what I wanted, that’s what I set out to achieve for myself.
And in this ongoing effort, yes, I’m going to skip the gym sometimes. And it’s ok! I’m going to struggle a bit with my knee, but you know what? My 5K time actually isn’t that much worse with an injury than without it. And that’s ok, too! Because overall, I’ve made exercise a can’t-live-without-it part of my life.
And food….ah, yes, food. I’m going to eat too much sometimes, or eat the wrong things. I’m ok with that. Mostly, I want eating to be about health, about energy, about properly fueling my body. But sometimes, I want it to be about enjoyment, about friendship and family and love, when sitting around a table with great people or seeking out an ice cream cone on a hot summer day is about adding to the great moments in my life, not counting the points in my meal.
Otherwise, will it ever end? At my thinnest, I still wanted to lose 5 more pounds, when everyone else was telling me to stop. I think, if I choose to focus on weight, I’ll always want to lose 5 more pounds.
I want to be here now. Be. Here. Now.
I could focus on a year ago, when I was 10 pounds thinner. I could focus on last month, when I should have done more. I could focus on next month, when I’d like to weigh 5 pounds less than I do now.
Instead, I want to be here. I want to be in the right now and make good choices, but not beat myself up for the slip-ups or the lazy days. I want to love myself for who I am today. Because I love who I’ve become, a healthy person who is more likely to be running a 5K or climbing a mountain on a Saturday morning than sleeping in; someone who tries her best to eat naturally and organically but still can’t seem to resist the occassional french fry.
News flash: this year is not going as planned.
Duh.
Honestly, most of the greatest things in my life have been unexpected and outside of my envisioned āplanā for myself. I have actually been MORE successful when I set goals but donāt painstakingly plot out, point-by-point, the path Iāll take to get there.
So, when Lola and I made a 2010, prep-for-the-triathlon-5K-super-schedule, I should have known that life sometimes invades the most well-intentioned plans. And that the happiest, most successful people learn how to suck it up and move forward in whatever capacity they can. Iād like to always be one of those people, but I canāt deny that Iāve faltered a bit here.
Even so, Iāve never questioned that I will still be standing on the shores of Lake Chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg early the morning of July 25th (yes, that really is the name of the lake, and isn’t it just fitting that its name isn’t simple, either). If it means that I run in pain, then Iāll be running in pain. I hope not to be, but if so, oh well. Iāll deal with it. I still have 79 days from today to strengthen my knee and get better. Iām confident that Iāll be standing strong that morning.
A positive outlook, one in which I thought only about today and didnāt worry needlessly about tomorrow, is what got me so far last year. Very few things worth achieving are achieved without a struggle, and I donāt want to be the kind of person who wilts at the idea of something that wonāt come easy.
I can’t leave behind the lessons I’ve learned– that what I want, simply and honestly, is to be happy. That Iāve found pursuing happiness rarely leads to happiness; pursue other things, and you find happiness.
And I find true happiness in running and writing….they keep me invigorated, give me energy and make me feel vibrantly alive. I need to pursue them without focusing on the obstacles that might stand in my way, because whatever personal successes come from the pursuit of those things are all that I need- no more, no less.
